How we grow old every day.
I want to be strong-hearted but I cry a lot, I have so much anxiety in my gut its making me sick, and my voice shakes cracks, and is not loud enough for some but some have told me I’m loud .
What would my child self think if she saw me in this state? My childhood is blur, I almost can’t remember anything except my school years as a 11 or 12 year old.
I know I had a loving childhood but I was a wild child as I’m told often by my mother, it’s strange how I remember nothing of this wildness and I certainly don’t possess it now. Why don’t I feel old every day even though every day a specific cell in my body dies, my face matures and my hair grows longer only to fall out more. Every day I wake up and never think.. ‘look’ you’re older than that child you once were, that’s not you now, that’s not you in the picture, you can’t even recognize that little girl. I can’t even recognize that little girl, with a hand plaster on, a shy smile, and her little red nose, how I felt as that little girl, I remember nothing of it.
I was thinking how I grew older and older till I’m 19 now and so did my parents…I see them and I can recognize their aging, well from strands of white hair, loose skin, small lines on the forehead. It all makes me cry. If I ask them about their life (years of youth) all they say is, it passed away so quickly, so quickly everything got leveled. Yet here I am grasping the idea of age and identity in my youthful years, thinking oh this is going to last.
Even when its going to pass overnight.
Everyday a little closer to death till its right up my nose on for say my 20th birthday.
How do we grow old? Everyday.
